My first morning of 2018, I spent it with my friend Chaya. We hit the road at 04.30am, morning walk and swim. Today, I write from a place of high inspiration and deep gratitude with one of Chaya’s photo next to me.
A new year and we are all trying to get it right; they say a “great start means a great year”.
We are many in this frenzy of “fix it right here and right now.”
This blog speaks of a topic that most of us struggle with, to an extent of not living out fully.
A client, Sharon shared that she is at a company and in a position that is no longer challenging her. She wants to move forward in her career but she is frustrated with herself because because she is no more motivated.
A friend of mine is going through a tough phase, the love of his life is getting married to someone else. He really believed that he had finally found the one, and it is hard to him to reconcile with whatever is happening in his life.
My client, Faizah, just started dating a friend’s brother. It’s going well, but she’s having doubts, she is not entirely sure. She kept saying to herself and to me, “I shouldn’t be having these thoughts or doubts because he is a great guy. But still!”
A close one went through a miscarriage last week. She’s rightfully heartbroken, and very surprised by the amount of emotions that are coming up for her with this loss.
In 2016, I made choices, moved out of partnerships but then I went through a phase of intense emotional release. I was in total denial and deep anger for over 3 months. It just did not make sense to me how I was going through this after years and months of inner works and healing.
There is a common thread in these stories “Why me? Why now? How come? Why Universe, why could not things be easy and loving for at least once? How come I was blind again this time? Why can’t I figure it out? When will this end?”
Our minds have been trained to fix. Our immediate reaction will be to go over the “Why? How? When?” while carefully resisting “what is”.
“What is” is the reality that which is happening right now. A reality based on how you experience life, and instead of acknowledging and giving space to “what is”, most of us will dive fast for that future.
May be you want “what is” to go away.
May you are tired of feeling that way and you want it to change now.
But when we are in so much pain, our minds will not let us feel all the feelings that come up.
Our minds won’t let us feel all the feelings that come up when we are in so much pain. It will go straight to researching, analyzing, isolating, segmenting, dissociating, associating and doing till it hits a point. Then the mind will try to find the lesson behind and try an action plan to get over it.
Our mind won’t allow us to take in “what is” because it’s too busy trying to fight or flee from the emotions into “fix it” mode.
Pausing to acknowledge and face “what is” is in truth, honoring ourselves by being really honest about what we are feeling or thinking right now in this moment fully, without justifying or diagnosing.
When I asked my client Sharon, why she feels she needs to be focusing on her career when she is no more motivated, she answered, “Because I’ve always been that person, especially in my family - driven to really feel accomplished in my career.”
Can you see her attachment to what she’s known herself to be, a specific identity, is keeping her from being honest and real about what she feels right now?
My friend said to me, “I’m just mad at her. I am mad that she broke a relationship that felt so real and loving. How can she not see that and how could she do this to me?”
He followed that up with, “But does that sound like I’m playing the victim? Does not mean that I am not connected and enlightened enough?”
Do you see how he starts to let himself feel what is real for him right now in the moment, and then shuts it down to try to be somewhere else?
I smiled, “Is this playing victim? But are you allowed to be pissed that this is happening because that’s how you feel right now in this moment?”
I asked the client who is dating her brother’s friend what she was actually questioning. She said, “I’m just being superficial and dumb.”
She said, “He doesn’t seem as sophisticated as I thought he would be. He’s divorced and I feel he’s still holding on to some parts of that relationship. Also, at times I feel he can’t meet me at my intellectual level.”
And each time she wanted to go into how she doesn’t really know him yet, and how she could be wrong, which is true, I just kept bringing her back to allowing herself to admit what she’s thinking.
After she rattled off a bunch of doubts I said, “How does it feel to just be honest with yourself without trying to change it?”
She said, “I actually feel lighter cus most of these doubts aren’t really true. I feel like I have more space to also explore and just see what happens.”
When I asked my close one how she’s FEELING after the miscarriage, she said, “I’m just trying to figure out the lesson behind why this happened and what caused it.”
Notice how she didn’t really answer my question. She didn’t reveal how she was feeling at all. This is normal because facing the emotions can feel so hard.
The first and only step to taking in “what is” is asking yourself, “What am I honestly feeling right now?” “What am I honestly thinking right now?” And allow it fully. Accept it fully. Then we can have space to move forward differently and transform into what we desire.
Unless we allow our selves to see the picture of whatever we have crafted ,we will not be able to re-craft some new inner sceneries for an elevated new journey.
Is it hard for you to take in “what is”? How do you move through difficult or painful moments?
Did this blog serve a purpose for you?
I will love to hear from you, do reach out on firstname.lastname@example.org
Love Love Love
Photo Courtesy: Chaya Jhowry
Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2018. All rights reserved.