“He is not the way he is meant to be with me”, she heaved
“What is this way that he is meant to be with you?” I asked.
Silence.................., “well, I don’t know”, she mumbled.
I pushed gently, “so please describe to me the way he is with you right now”, and the details flooded in.
“When you say he is not the way he is meant to be with you, it is compared to what?”, I asked.
“Well others, you know how others are and how they live together,” she hushed.
And then she fed me with details and information about that which was happening within.
We are immersed in the month of love but as we speak of love, we have unfortunately built fantasies around what love is and how relationships are meant to be.
There are no one-way rules to be in relationships, there are for sure some non-negotiables that have to be present in any healthy relationship and these are: boundaries, respect, honesty, commitment and communication.
And while we roam this world expecting our relationships to be picture perfect, “You are the One who has vowed to serve your significant other till your last breaths and Your Significant Other has committed to wipe your tears eternally.”
Get off that illusionary tree, relationships do not happen this way.
Each individual comes with his/her own personal story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness. A person’s ability and willingness to connect with another, is directly linked to that person’s connection to him/her self and own his/her story. And this is not always an easy path for we live in a world bombed by fakedness.
When we choose to be with someone and feel for someone, it means we have actually choosen to commit to embrace that person’s personal story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness.
This asks of us compassion, ability to hold space and the knowingness that what the other person feels, says and how he/she lives comes from that person’s story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness. But to able to hold space and to stand in compassion for someone else, , all this is linked to our own understanding, embracing, acknowledgement and owning of our story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness.
You cannot give to others unless you have given to your self.
Our relationships say a lot about us. If we are constantly ending in relationships where we feel left out, betrayed, unheard, unseen and unfelt. Then I wonder, “What parts of us are we not listening to? What parts of us have we been running away from? What is yet to be acknowledged, healed and embraced within?”
The quality of our relationship with others mirrors the quality of our own self-relationship. A truth that is not always easy to digest because there will always be persons with whom we will bond easily and there will always be others who will keep triggering us.
Instead of trying to box our relationships based on external representations, now is the time to pause and seek what bits and pieces of us are yet to be acknowledged, healed and embraced and while we are at it, how can we allow others to go through whatever they are going.
Centuries ago, one of my most favorite teacher, Rumi whispered this on healing:
"Lose yourself completely. Return to root of the root of your own soul."
The one truth is , as we heal so others heal. For as we return to root of the root of our story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness, we grow in our own understanding, compassion and acceptance. As we grow in our own understanding, compassion and acceptance, we heal and as we heal, we grow into something that understands, accepts and holds compassion for others' story, wounds, pains, fears, failures, limited beliefs, successes, magic and awesomeness.
Photo Courtesy: Asaf R, Unsplash.com
Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2018. All rights reserved.