My sister reminded me of yesterday, 17th June - my mind, heart, my soul and my entirety are elsewhere.
I got religiously married on 17th June 2007. Two months prior to that date, I cried a lot, my being was saying "NO". My insights kept whispering that I was about to "put myself into some thing less". But every one whispered "that's how girls feel-just scared, you will be fine."
I would bond myself to a man who was not and is not bad but his own issues from his past were far beyond his self. And I would end up providing for us in all the sense as long as that relationship lasted.
Three years through this marriage, all the signs and symptoms would speak of wrongness and dis-ease and it would take me nine months, early January 2011 to figure out that I was in an abusive relationship. Ongoing instances of daily abuses ever present in my life at that time. Any form of abuse that does not move to the physical state is hard to detect, I was on that path.
I would brave the tides, believing we could heal our way through. Endless times, I choosed to believe and trust these words “things will be better and I will change” and all through, my instinct would scream “Run away! Go away!” To the external world, we were the happiest couple, warm and welcoming hosts but no one knew what was happening behind closed doors – my fears, my doubts, my archedness, my hopelessness, my tiredness and his demons.
It would take me one year to build my internal muscles and walk my way out of this relationship. In 2012, I paved my way out and I kept quiet all through, I hardly spoke about what I went through and what I was going through for my safely became my priority. I knew before hand that I should not expect support from my family. But much to my dismay, I was nurtured and supported by my siblings like none and I am still.
My mother’s delusions got shattered and she is yet to move on but my love for my self and her, grounded me in my choices and I keep going for I suddenly became my priority.
My ex-husband slashed back and he found the easiest way, he crafted stories about me. Still I kept quiet because my safety became my priority.
I choosed to write about this phase of my life for I am utterly and deeply grateful for what I went through. I do not wish anyone to go through what I went through, yet I will not bargain any part of my path. So hear my whispers now:
1. We attract that which we are at any given moment in time
I was a giver, I had no notion of boundaries and I ended up attracting my perfect match at that moment in time.
It feels almost sadist to say this but this is how this world works, whether we believe in it or not. Our wounds, our past, our inner dis-ease play a huge role in attracting that which carry the potentials to either break us down or break us through.
He needed to be fed and I was willingly willing to feed ongoingly . So I fed him in all the sense for three years until I started waking up gradually.
Waking up, asked of me to look into my own wounds. When I woke up, I would then spend months looking at my own father's wounds and wounds that I had connected to men from the beginning of my childhood.
So this phase of my life taught me and is still teaching me to peep into my self before blaming the world.
2. Sense of Safety
Most of us, women and men grow up in unsafe homes, abuse has become part and parcel of our lives. With normalization of abuse, we end up with a distorted sense of safety, we teach ourselves to navigate through unsafeness. I was there. I grew up in an unsafe home and I ended up in an unsafe space when I got married. I taught myself to navigate through for this is what I saw my mother doing. But it is wrong!
Safety is safety and there is no disguise or distortedness to sense of safely. Our guts know it, our intuitiveness know it. Run away when it is UNSAFE.
3. No one change except for his/her self
From the beginning of any relationship, if we stay open enough, we are given glimpses, signs and symptoms of what we do not align with with the other person. Still many of us choose the naïve way, we choose to stay. We stay believing that the significant other will change for the sake of this relationship.
No one changes unless he or she has had a shift within and provided this shift has brought awareness to his or her self. While we may choose to stay despite mis-alignment of core beliefs,values and lack of safety, we better not blame the other person when things get heated up.
They showed their true colors from the very beginning but we decided to believe in them changing over time. Change is a personal journey, change comes through awakening. No matter how we feel for others, we have to come to understand that each one of us is to walk his/her path and we cannot save our loves ones, regardless of the depth of our feelings.
4. The gap that we try to fill in when we get into relationships
The entirety of our lives will be spent in relationships with us trying to fulfill a gap that we carry within. What are you trying to ease and feed through relationships?
Are you seeking validation? Fear of abandonment or rejection?
Do you believe that someone else is responsible for your happiness?
Is your feeling of unworthiness making you cling to something without you, even if that thing is toxic?
Do you feel worthy when you serve others in relationship? Is this how you derive your sense of worthiness?
Relationship is the place of growth. Hurt, love, pain, gain, win, loss, warmth, cold, they all play a key role in unleashing our wounds and moving us closer to our truest self.
No relationship is and will ever be devoid of triggers, pains, tears and confusions. But there are some basics; safety and intuitiveness remain at the core. And one’s intuitiveness is the compass, come what may, heed to that inner voice. Our intuitiveness hears, sees and feels it all.
RUN WHEN YOUR INTUITIVENESS ROARS - JUST RUN, A DOOR WILL OPEN.
May your relationships serve the purpose of opening you up and May you allow yourself to heal
Much love and Blessings
Photo Courtesy: Karl Magnuson, Unsplash.com
Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2018. All rights reserved.