|These words for are anyone going through a divorce, an end of a relationship. Take these words as invitations to pause, to rest, to receive, to hold and to be held. My words are not absolute truth, find what resonate with and within you. Know that I am holding me, you and us as we breathe, move and ease through the words.|
Ten years ago, filing for divorce was my decision and it came after months of weighing and internal muscle building. It came after one year having understood that what I was holding on was no more nurturing and instead I was being sucked out of life.
Back then, I naively thought that once the divorce process was through, I would ease, I would breathe and I would live. And nothing readied me for what I went through inside.
Maybe these words resonate with you. Maybe you thought same. Maybe you thought and believed that once divorce was through, you would ease, breathe and live and this is not in the happening.
I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I hold space for you.
Sharing glimpses of what I went through and what I have learned through the process, knowing that there are many who will resonate with these words, there are many who moving through such process and may these words reach your heart, your mind and your body.
1.Vacillating with my decision
For months, despite my knowingness that I made the right choice for me, I vacillated between doubts and “maybe I should return, maybe things were not as bad as I imagined and believed them to be.” For months, I have found myself wondering whether something was wrong with me, how bad I was as a person and why I was unable to make this relationship work.
This went on for months. I have never spoken to anyone about this, not even my sister. For months, I have had those heightened moments of “questioning my decision”.
I have learned:
I have learned that this is normal. I have learned that my perceptions, memories, identities and beliefs about success, relationships and failures came in the way. It took me years to understand that this was no failure. This was my beginning of intentional living, choosing for myself to begin with my beliefs. I was starting to learn to validate my choices and live with the consequences of my choices. This is growth, this is adulthood, this is maturity and this is emotional and cognitive intelligence in the happening.
As young as I can remember, I have fought to live life my way and when it happened, it was overwhelming for me, nothing readied me to live life with my choices and to validate myself.
2.Ungrounded
I was lost. I had no focal points. It was no more clear to me, who I was, what I was supposed to do, be and where I was supposed to go. Instead of having an easy life, things toughen for me. I had little clarity except that I made a choice which was supposed to ease my life and instead I was going through never ending daily internal bad drama.
I have learned:
The end of any relationship brings an end to identifies, roles, relating, communicating and being connected to that relationship. And this is death and this is overwhelming, confusing and painful. Who I was in that relationship was to be put to rest and it was this part of me that did not where to go and what to do. It was part of my brain that was wired into being and doing. It was my nervous system, the internal chemistry of my body that suddenly were at a lost. I had spent nine years of my life doing and being in certain ways in that relationship. It is absolutely normal to be mind-fogged when relationships come to an end. I have learned that to meet my future, I was called to be and do someone else. I have learned that I was not mad, least depressed, I was growing and growth is ugly, challenging and tearing and tearful. I was grieving a relationship. This grief was and is to be held sacred. I have learned no matter the quality of the relationship, grief also shows up in the end and this is part of the cycle of life.
3. Stressful state
I have lived for years in a stressful state, chemically my body was used to being in that stressful state. I was addicted to being stressed. I would spend my time scanning the environment for dangers. I have lived as mis-matcher for years, every difference meant danger. I would use my imagination to craft some of the most horrifying stories of a future. I was in constant future catastrophizing. One tiny mishap and I would come up with a story of a scary magnitude. As I write these words, I am grateful that none of what I imagined came true.
I have learned:
My body’s internal chemistry had taken over. I was living a life where I was unable to think greater than what I was feeling. My mind was no more in control. My body longed for the stress, for the fight, for the dangers, for the fears, for these were my familiar. I know as I write these words, you are many who will resonate with me.
Unable to think greater than how I feel means I am living in the past. The past is known, the past is familiar and it took me years to understand this mentally and physiologically. My body is intricately intelligent and it served me to survive for years. It took ongoing willpower and daily practice “All is well. I can live. I can dream. I can ease.” It took the company of people to find ease and trust in my body back and only from that space I was able to start regulating myself.
4. Struggling with future pacing
I have struggled to envision a future. I thought that I had figured it out the day I decided for myself, however, on the way, my life was more of a chaotic mess.
I have learned:
When we begin the path of intentional living, we start rewiring our internal system, from our thoughts, to our beliefs, to our values, to our internal body chemistry and this rewiring reverberates externally. Rewiring can be challenging, confusing, physically-emotionally-mentally-energetically-spiritually painful. Rewiring can also be joyful, exciting, breathing, expansion, releasing, laughter. Rewiring is in truth a nuanced experienced of comfort and dis-comfort. To be in future with my vision means that there a new version of me. I have learned that it is childish thinking to believe that a choice is enough to change my life. Every choice is led and supported by ongoing choices. Choosing to live my life intentionally means daily steps, actions, thoughts, choices, words, language that take me towards that vision. This is called alignment. Aligning my actions, my words, my steps, my thoughts, my language and so much more with my choice of intentional living. I have learned that it is a daily choice to choose myself, to care for myself, to look after myself and to look up to myself.
5.Healing has a language
I have wanted to rush through healing. I shoved away memories and emotions that would rise. I have taken on responsibilities that did not belong to me. I thought that doing my work meant that I had to be healed.
I have learned:
I have learned that just because I had experienced pain, does not mean that I am broken and no more whole. I have experienced tremendous pain and none of this means that I am broken. I still have so many parts of me fragmented and held in numbness so that I could and I can survive. I am still learning to tend to those parts of myself. I am whole, this I know and I believe. I have learned that healing has a language. Healing has a language of wholeness. Healing has a language of response-abilities and accountability. I have learned to take ownership of my response-abilities and to foster, to nurture my response-abilities – my thoughts, my feelings, my actions and my language. I have learned to hold myself accountable for my thoughts, my feelings, my actions and my language in deep kindness and tenderness.
Today as I look at this part of my life, I know it could not have been otherwise, I had such an internal world that I attracted a man who fitted and played the perfect role. In essence, it was a perfect match. I do not condone what I have lived through, instead, I hold myself in deep esteem for being here now and seeing life through different lenses.
This is what healing is, to have a change in vision, in hearing, in touch, in taste, in the chemistry of the body.
Wherever you are, however you are, whyever you are, whoever you are, whenever you are, know that there are endless possibilities to grow, to think bigger than your current feeling. Know that it takes daily choice to keep choosing yourself. There will be days when you will hate yourself. There will be days when you will run away. There will days when you will decide to shove everything aside. All these movements are part of the process of rewiring. Cry, drag yourself and crawl if you have to. Beg to yourself, beg to life and when you are calmer, rise up and use those moments of calmness to think greater than what you feel, even if it lasts for a couple of minutes, this will suffice to usher you forward.
Keep choosing yourself. Your act is important. Your rise is the call for us all to move home to ourselves. Through this walk may you be reminded that this is a unique walk and often those living within the shackles of veils will not understand you.
Love from my heart to yours
Love from my nervous system to yours
Love from my body to yours
Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2022. All rights reserved.
Creative Work © Megha Venketasamy,
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